I Miss Myself.

There's a few things about me that have gone unchanged. I pluck my eyebrows too often and wear chapstick out of habit. Bathroom rugs are for show - not wet feet. I sleep better with an empty kichen sink and smile more when I've have time to blow-dry my hair. I burn candles daily - only Yankee. Coffee is my first thought apon waking. I can't seem to get past the fact I've never had a perfect body, and most likely never will. I talk to my parents almost everyday, in a way most of my friends have never understood. Peppermint patties and diet coke are the perfect snack. But all that aside, there's so much that keeps changing in my life. I used to trust EVERYONE, but after a few broken hearts and a stop at a South Carolina crack house (a future blog) - I stopped doing that. I've become cynical and skeptical of everything. I miss my old self. The self who loved without fear, gave without expecting and laughed for no reason at all. I miss the self - who used to give decent advice that my friends actually followed - instead of the self that needs it now. I miss the self that never said "what if?" and went for it instead. I miss my free-falling self, the one at parties who picked the music, danced all night and talked to total strangers. I miss the self of Yoga classes and a nap to follow. I miss the self who decided in a week to move to Atlanta alone for two years - the city of 3 Million people. You'd think little ol' me would get lost in a place like that - but ironically I was found. I miss the self who pointed to the 7th market television station and simply said "I think I'll get a job there" and did. I miss my dreams in that life. The "I'm going to be" and the "I can't wait until".... sometimes I wished my life away. One of my dearest friends, Melissa (who I met when I lived in Atlanta) ended up doing everything she said she was going to. She was going to be a world-traveling Artist/Curator at some fancy museam and wed her high school sweetheart. The last time I talked to her (at her seaside wedding) she had just landed "THE" job. As happy as I was/am for my dearest friend - I was crushed inside. I couldn't help but to think back to those long chats in coffee houses on Peachtree Road, exchanging plans about our future. She's be the famous artist. I'd be the famous producer/writer. We'd each get married and have kids at the same time and life would be great. So, as I watched her first dance as husband and wife, I couldn't shake the feeling I was Bette Midler in Beaches.... "Your everything I wish I could be". What about me? The jet-setter me? The famous producer/writer me? The one in designer suits, 8 pm business meetings and press passes to my hearts content? Now, don't get me wrong - I love my family and little life in Auburn. But I can't lie and say there isn't a part of me - staring out at the ocean at my best friends wedding wondering how my plush red carpet rolled up and became a play date on a rainy Sunday afternoon? Sometimes, I really miss myself.